Happy NEW YEAR!  I have been on a self proclaimed hiatus – to deal with all the $^&%^&* that got me started with this blog in the first place…. this blog is a way for me to express myself which I somehow forgot… Life gets in the way at times, and unfortunately, I get in the way of myself too….   Today’s post  isn’t about a book I have read, a lecture I have attended, or any breakthrough.  This blog post is about someone special.

“Gain perspective”.  ”Live each moment as if your last”….yada, yada, blah, blah, blah… the list goes on and on….  Interestingly so, any TIME anyone uttered those words to me, I would immediately feel an urge to scream, shout, yell – anything that would garner a nomination for an academy award.  For some reason, those very words or any combination of letters that resembled these sentiments even slightly would sound trite, almost clich-esque to me.  Completely devoid of any genuine coating…UNTIL NOW…

Today, I visited a dear friend who is struggling to stay alive…. Our friendship dates back a few years ago when my parents introduced my husband and I to this lovely couple.  I always thought it was a tad strange (dare I say) that my parents hung out with a couple that could almost be their children.  Well, once we met, I understood.  Wonderful, fun, extremely positive, loving, did I say POSITIVE!!! If you met them, rest be assured, you would want to jump on their bandwagon too!  And now, despite this devasting illness, nothing has changed.  AS I sat at bedside with him tonight, holding his hand,  squeezing  it every now and then, uttering my favorite words to him in portuguese ( something to the effect of be wise, behave yourself, etc…there is actually humor in it in portuguese)….I could not HELP but to notice through his frail existence, the beautiful smile that accessorized his new body.  His smile is still as magnificent today as it was every day before.  This is the true test of any man (or person for that matter)…. To be in the face of such adversity, and yet, maintain a positive outlook and with immeasurable grace.  His true character which is not a departure from pre-sick days, only complimentary….continues to shine through.  He shows this unwavering faith and strength despite the diagnosis.  He has made a choice.  He continues to make the choice to stay positive, but not just saying it, but embracing it, creating a wall around him to ward off any negative energy…

My husband and I shared stories of why we admire this friend of ours – and was reminded of his favorite words whenever we were together…. He would say – “now THIS is what life is about…being surrounded with friends and family”…..he made it a point to say those words – whether we were rolling in mud with the kids (note: I rolled with kids in mud while others watched), jumping in puddles, chasing the boys in the middle of the street, playing cards, hanging up mirrors, or peacefully eating dinner together.  No matter what the landscape looked like, his optimism and decision to view life with gratitude was expressed and felt.  Totally contagious.

NOW, in a time when most would crumble, my dear friend continues to amaze and inspire.  He is handling this illness in a way that I doubt I could ever attain.  We could all learn a lesson or two by witnessing the manner in which he chooses to see what is, and what’s next.

When I wrote this post, although not published, Danny was still alive.  Unfortunately, my dear friend lost his battle to cancer.  Although no longer here physically, his spirit still resides within the lucky ones who had the opportunity to call him friend.  His existence in my life is something I am grateful for.  Thank you Danny for being my friend, for reminding me that life is a gift, and how we choose to spend each day is truly one’s choice.  Your mark has been left and will never be forgotten.

TODAY:  I got off the telephone with a girlfriend who is struggling through a personal situation and viewing life as a battle, my last words before we both had to run off to tend to life:  LIFE IS TOO SHORT to be unhappy and miserable.  Remember, life is precious and every moment is a gift.  Guess, I am eating my words now…

This is for you, DANNY!  I miss you so much and please let me know how life is up there…..

RIP DANNY 12-17-2009

So, why “mess in a dress”? Am I a “mess in a dress”? I am sure that I don’t quite look like a mess, I mean, I am somewhat fashion conscious. I’m hooked on the latest trends, always in heels (my weakness), escorted by the IT handbag of the season, and even accessorize in the latest Chanel nail color. I am a professional turned stay at home mom (for the time being), mom to three delicious little boys, adoring (at times) wife, homeroom parent, catechism teacher, spiritual seeker, runner, avid reader and a pretty darn good cook…..You see, from the outside, the external, I APPEAR to have it all together. Sound familiar….?

Seemingly, I have a fantastic life – a life I am MOST grateful for. Yet, I wonder – how does one define a fantastic life, how is it measured?! And why do questions such as ” Is this it?”, “Am I living the life I have always imagined?”, and “Why, why, why am I never satisfied?”….continue to take center stage. The reality is that I am a bit ‘messy” on the inside, can you tell?!

Meditating, running, attending seminars with fancy eye-catching names that promise results, EFT sessions, becoming familiar and talking to spiritual leaders, and what about books!! I have read more books in the Self-Improvement/Self-Help area than reside in a therapist’s bookshelf!!! And YET, the messiness is still there! Nothing seems to stick with me, probably due to boredom, time or maybe it’s just too difficult to stay on track consistently.

Unfortunately, the more I ponder on the whys, the more messy I become.
- Does anything actually help/work?
- Am I wasting my time pondering Buddhist principles, metaphysical studies, or any other learnings/teachings that I have been exposed to?
- AM I the only one who spends countless hours thinking about all this so-called new age/improvement stuff?

I would have to say no! So, I challenged myself to begin this 12 month soul-bearing journey – a journey of self-discovery, awakening and being true to MYSELF! My thoughts create the mess, so, a thought at a time, I will attempt to learn a new way. As a newly turned 38 year old, why waste another moment?! Life is happening now…and I am ready.

I hope to explore a topic at a time, to document my thoughts on a particular learning and how I have decided to use these new tools in my life. I am committed to seeking the answers to create a more meaningful and simply, happy existence – from the inside out!

Stay tuned….

still a mess….